You know, I started this post with some of the stories of what's been going on in my life over the past 2 months. I've got to be honest, I appreciate the concern of so many people, but I'm sick of talking about it. Trying to use all the fine medical terms, trying to make people think this is something that's easy and makes sense. Quite honestly, this whole ordeal doesn't make sense. I read the passage in the book of James that says to "Consider it purse joy whenever you face trials of many kinds." It's a part of scripture I should be familiar with, growing up in the church I've heard it many times. But right now it just makes me want to punch the writer in their mouth, and I'm not usually the violent type.
Consider it pure joy? My Dad lost his job, a job he worked incredibly hard at, and spending long hours just to keep the bills paid and to work on paying off credit card debt. Then we find out he needed to have bypass surgery. I can't help by feel through the circumstances of events, I was so close to loosing him. He has never been the easiest to get along with, he's always the first to let us know if he's upset about something. And yet he's my Dad. I get angry with him periodically knowing all while I will end up forgiving him. I am the apple of his eye, he captures my heart, and my affection for him grows more and more.
Consider it pure joy? Life has been so hard lately. I was standing in church one Sunday just a few weeks ago and we began to sing "His Love Endures Forever"; and you get to the chorus where it says, "forever you are faithful, forever you are strong..." Never has is been harder for me to sing those words. Really God, you are always faithful, and strong? You are always in control?
It's easy for someone who's grown up in the church to understand how God works from a theological, and educational standpoint. You understand God in your head. You have that knowledge inside of you. It's something totally different to realize it in your heart; and to lean on Jesus. Deep down I want to get to the point where I can just lay everything down for God, and live in reckless abandon for Him. I so want to be able to release by burden, my pain, and this unsurmountable uncertainty I feel. Uncertain about my life, where it's headed, what lies in store for my future. Will I find a career I'm happy with, will I find a wife, the woman of my dreams, and grow a family that obeys Jesus, will I live out my commitment to be a kingdom worker?
In any case, I'm going to take the advice I would give someone else who feels this way; never give up. One of my favorite passages in scripture is John 6. A challenge to anyone wrestling with their unbelief. Verse 60 says, "On hearing it, many of his disciples said, 'This is a hard teaching, Who can accept it?'" Skip to verse 66 which reads; "from this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him." In the next verse, Jesus asked the Twelve, "you don't want to leave to?" I love Peter's response in verse 68-69;"Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God"
So challenging. When the going gets tough, or when you encounter teaching that is hard to accept, like James 1:2, are you going to just give up? Or will be grounded like Peter and say to the Lord, "where else could I go? You are the Holy One!" I don't know where this journey of life will take me; but my earnest prayer is that I stay grounded in what is true. I want to know in my heart that Jesus is the Holy One. I want to know in my heart that he's all I need.
"cause I need you Jesus,
to come to my rescue.
Where else could I go?
There's no other name
by which I am saved.
You've captured me with Grace,
I will follow you."